Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!
What would you do if you were in a situation like this?
Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
Gosh!
Dear diary, I had that nightmare again.
I fear I'll never get married.
Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster...
whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats.
No, that won't be me.
I believe in true love.
My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere...
and I'm gonna find him.
Ooh. Mmm.
Oh, shit.
Ow.
- Opah! - Hi, Dad.
Look here, Julia. When you gonna find a man and get married?
You lookin' old, fat and saggy.
And that mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole.
Let's put some hummus on it. It cures everything.
Baby, you gotta find a man.
In our race to protect our Greek heritage-
Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.
Let us not forget you are also one-half Indian.
- Your mother's right. - Big sister, we also Japanese.
- And Jewish. - So you're telling me...
I have to marry a guy who's a Greek Indian Japanese Jew?
Baby, you're actin' like that's hard to find. Look around.
They everywhere.
Nicky. Nicky! You're Greek, right?
Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew.
Huh? You wanna go out with my daughter?
Nah. I don't like redheads. Sorry.
Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle.
I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind.
Somewhere out there is my true love.
No! Back to work.
Coffee?
- More coffee? - Excellent.
Jolly good. I quite fancy some...
more coffee, actually.
Pick up.
- Pick up! Pick up! - Okay.
- Pick up! - I'm coming.
Oh, hell, no!
- You're Hitch? - You got a problem with that?
Please, I'm desperate.
Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband.
Aw, shit. Come on in.
Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best.
You're goddamn right I'm the best. Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.
You got Brad and Jen...
Jessica and Nick, Ben and Gwyn...
Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen...
Ben and Matt, Whitney and Bobby...
Kobe and Shaq, Ellen and Anne.
Yeah, I do them too.
Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work.
- We had this... moment. - What happened?
I turned around, and he was gone.
He probably got a good look at your mug and ran.
Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga?
- Okay. - Eight out of ten guys believe...
the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship.
So before we get started, let's see what you got.
Ooh, stinky. You got the dragon.
You got a little somethin' in there.
A whole wing?
Extra crispy? Goddamn!
Good gracious!
Off of me, trick!
What, are you hungry?
I'm hopeless.
I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming.
I got it!
A reality dating show?
Says here you can meet the man of your dreams.
It also says you have to be beautiful.
Well, you're beautiful-ish.
Oh, come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show is if you magically turn me into a princess.
Let's roll.
Yo, fellas!
Time to pimp her out.
Mm-mm-mm.
Oh.
Hey! Hey!
Yeah!
Whoa! You're officially pimped out.
All right, girl. Now you're good to go.
Ladies, good evening, and welcome to...
The Extreme Bachelor: Desperate Edition.
By the end of tonight's episode, one of you lucky ladies...
will be chosen by the bachelor to go on a dream date.
- So let's meet him.
He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.
Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor.
- Hi. Lovely to meet you. - Hi.
- Hello. I'm Grant. Hi. - Hi.
- I'm Grant. - Hi, Grant.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Julia. - Pleasure.
Now, Grant, the elimination round.
Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang.
Who's going to be eliminated?
Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.
- Julia, will you accept this rose? - Yes.
Guys, congratulations.
You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant.
A Restaurant!
Thanks!
Oh, yeah, that's it!
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah.
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Y-Yes!
Oh, God. Whoo! God.
- So you're saying you do want the pork chops? - Yes, please.
- Okay. - I'll have what he's having.
So, tell me about you.
Oh, I'm just a waitress.
But I- I want to go to school to be a pastry chef.
Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.
And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...
why I would make an amazing pastry chef.
What a coincidence.
I love pie. I've got to take you downtown for the best-
- Hummus pie? - You've been there?
That's actually my recipe.
But- But tell me more about you.
Like, what's your favorite love song?
- It's kind of corny. - Oh, come on.
You're that waitress. You've changed.
Well, I- I was- I was sort of goin' through- through a phase.
I was downright ugly.
I don't remember you ever being ugly.
But I remember you.
I can't explain it, but...
when I'm with you, I just feel so alive.
- Me too. - I just wanna scream and shout and-
- Bum fight? - Huh?
Uh, Julia?
Come on!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
- That was... amazing. - It sure was.
She faked it, Grant.
But I didn't.
Meow.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
no, no...
no, no, no...
no, no, no, no, no!
No! No!
Ooh.
Hoo. It's tingly.
Grant, how would you feel about meeting my parents?
- So, Grant, ever knock anyone up? - Mom!
I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he’s shooting blanks or not?
Bathroom's down the hall.
Just leave the sample on the counter.
Oh, sorry.
That's Jinxers.
Taught him how to do that.
Julia told me your last name.
- How do you pronounce it? - Just how it's spelled.
F-U-N-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
- Funkyerdoder? - Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Allergic to cats?
Uh, no, no. I-I-I love cats.
In fact, growing up on a farm, I once milked a cat.
I got nipples, Grant. Can you milk me?
May I say that's an exquisite vase. Ancient artifact, I presume.
That's actually an urn containing the remains of Frank's mother.
- Well, I'm sure your mother...
would want to celebrate that Julia finally applied to pastry school.
- What? School? - Don't you want me to better myself?
No! I want you to work at the diner until you die.
Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant?
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Mama!
- Mama! - Grandma!
Jinxers. Jinxers, no.
Oh! Grandma Jones! Oh, God!
- No! Jinxers, stop it! - Hey!
Jinxers! Jinxers, no!
Oh, no, no, Jinxers! No!
- Jinxers, no! No! - Mama!
- Oh! - Get off my mama! Stop humpin'!
Bad kitty! Please!
- Jinxers, no! - Oh!
- I didn't teach him how to do that. - Jinxers, bad cat!
Jinxers, no!
- Mama!
- That was a disaster. - It wasn't that bad.
You desecrated my grandmother's remains, and my father hates you.
Why didn't you tell your parents about pastry school?
I'm working my way up to it.
- I'm just waiting for the right time. - Julia, you're a grown woman.
If you haven't noticed, my family is totally controlling.
- Whoo! - They meddle in every aspect of my life.
Not to mention, no one in our family...
- has ever dated outside of our culture. - He reminds me of Webster.
I just don't see how this could work between us.
Look, so your family's difficult. Whose isn't?
Until I met you, my life was boring.
- Oww! - But you, you're smart...
and interesting and beautiful.
I just want to be with you.
Did you say I was beautiful?
- Come with me. - Ooh-hoo!
It's just a little Jesus juice! Whoo!
Where are you taking me?
- What are we- - You'll see.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Julia Jones, will you marry me?
Yes, Grant Funkyerdoder, I will marry you.
How much will you give me for this?
No. No!
- Fifty bucks. - Shit. That's it?
But it will destroy all evil!
Oh, screw off, wizard!
My precious!
Before you set the wedding date, I wanted to meet your parents...
because, frankly, I don't know much about you.
I understand, homeboy.
I'll be watching you.
If you do anything to corrupt my daughter-
You'll bring me down to Chinatown?
Chinatown? I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street...
bust you in the head with a pipe.
Hi, Little Jack.
How come you have Betty's baby?
She's at a swingers convention this weekend, so we said we'd take care of him.
- Oh, how nice. - And Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack sign language.
Oh, I heard about this. Real cutting-edge stuff.
That's right, Little Jack. "Keep your pimp hand strong."
- "Beotch." - His first word!
- Little Jack, what did you say? - "Beotch."
Is that your dad?
- Uh-huh. - Figures.
Ha!
Grant! Ha! My boy!
Good to see ya.
This is my fiancée Julia, and her parents, Linda and Frank.
Bernie Funkyerdoder. Pleased to meet all of ya.
Frank, give me some sugar. Put her there!
- All right, all right. - And this must be your little girl.
- No, that's my wife. - Wife? So young, so pretty.
And you must be Julia. What a beautiful moment this is.
So beautiful. Just beautiful.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! - Oh!
- Dad. Dad. - Mmm! Mmm!
- What? We're all family now. - I'll just go get the luggage.
So what was that you were doin' back there?
Oh, I was just practicing capoeira.
- Capo-what? - Capoeira...
the Brazilian martial art of dance fighting.
- Beotch. - I've been doing it for weeks.
It keeps me level.
Ah!
Come on. Let's go meet Roz.
Roz!
You're gonna love her. Everybody, this is Roz.
Oh! I've been kvelling to meet...
this meshuggener goyim shiksa all day!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
So, Grant tells me you're a doctor.
Uh, I'm a sex therapist.
I specialize in teenage impotency.
- Who's thirsty? - Mom, no.
Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed because he lost his virginity to the housekeeper.
Hey, Eduardo.
Thanks, Eduardo.
Ah!
So, is it Harry?
- Is what hairy? - Your name.
- No, no, it's Bernie. - Oh, no, but it is hairy.
- What are you talking about? - I mean, picture this with four pounds of hair.
Oh, stop. So, when's the big date?
Well, we wanted a long engagement...
so we're getting married this Sunday.
Oh, hell, no. I'm not paying for that wedding.
Aw, don't have a conniption, bubbellah. We'll pay for it.
Of course! What? I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning. Let's have a toast.
- To great big matzo balls! L'Chaim! - L'Chaim.
I- I couldn't be happier.
Thanks, Dad.
Because Nicky has agreed to marry you.
- Nicky. - Yeah. Good job.
Lookin' good. Nice.
- Dad? - Hmm?
My whole life, I've had this dream...
that a prince would someday come and rescue me.
Grant is that guy.
He's my prince, and he's the one I'm gonna marry.
No, you'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him. You'll marry Nicky.
You know, thinking about the honeymoon makes me, like, really horny.
Like, a lot.
Wow. You seem tense.
- When was the last time you and Frank were intimate? - It's been a while.
Whoo! It sure has.
Is that all you got?
Hold on.
- How do you think it's going? - I think it's going really well.
- You do? - Yeah. Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.
- You might want to put your shirt back on. - Nah.
Oh, man.
The wedding planner will see you now.
I'm Jell-O. Please, have a seat.
Now, I'm here to plan your dream wedding.
So, tell me what you want.
Well, uh, we want a traditional wedding.
Something simple, yet elegant.
Yo, I know exactly the place.
Muy romántico.
Think outside my buns.
It's... not quite what we had in mind.
That's the best I can do on short notice.
You got to book the caterer, pick a piñata, choose your best man.
Oh, I've already taken care of that.
- My best mate Andy flew in this morning. - Andy?
Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
- I think you two will hit it off tremendously. - I can't wait.
And I can't wait till you see who I booked for the entertainment.
No!
So, where is this best man of yours?
Andy!
Andy's not a guy?
A guy? Heavens, no.
It's great we've remained so close, even after the engagement fell through.
You two were engaged?
Ages ago. It was more physical than anything, really.
Just constant sex.
Sex.
Sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex...
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
S-So, you realized it- it just wasn't right?
Well, she realized it wasn't right.
She dumped me. Just wasn't ready to settle down.
Why is she in slow motion?
- She likes to make an entrance. - Grant!
Oh!
This is Julia. Mmm!
Oh, I have heard so much about you.
Now, Grant told me how attractive you were...
but he never mentioned you were flat-chested.
How cute.
Excuse me while I get out of these wet clothes.
- So, how did you two meet? - We were in Beverly Hills.